By Henry Miller, February 2018. Dictated to Mummy. Disclaimer- I don’t know how original this is.
Now the story begins.
It was 1937.
Slenderman is a fictional creature. He was walking down a ghost hallway when all of a sudden, a portal appeared right in front of him. It had the word Creepy Pasta on it and Slenderman was immediately sucked into that portal by a giant tenticle.
Then he was teleported into a house. He didn’t know where he was. He looked around and soon saw a person. He was running along an inspiration for a photoshopping contest he had entered.
The person saw Slenderman and without noticing that Slenderman was being watched, the person immediately drew Slenderman onto a piece of paper. Then Slenderman noticed he was being drawn and he was teleported into the woods.
Then he was confronted by a person who immediately called the police, the FBI and the government. Then he was shot by a massive laserbeam that came down from the sky. Then his corpse was thrown into a black hole.
Then Slenderman invented the time machine, went back to kill his grandfather and having invented a time paradox the time machine exploded and he was immediately sent back to 1937. Then he started abducting children and growing larger and larger until his final catch was a little girl that turned him into a supersize slenderman.
Then he began to destroy artefacts all over the world.
Then the government of each nation aligned together. Their final battle with him was in China. Then with the help of two helicopters they transformed into a giant mech and began to destroy him. And then the mech kicked the butt off him and the butt was transformed into a great spider and then it was immediately took out by a giant laser beam from a helicopter. Then the mech and the two helicopters immediately transformed into a great tank that immediately shot the biggest laser beam ever created in humanity.
Then Slenderman died. He exploded into a giant pile of babies and captured children. The babies were sent to an orphanage and the children returned to their homes.
So, I’ve always had this idea that if you’re really happy about something, you stop being bothered by the normal little irritants. You know the ones? They make you cross and then you get cross at yourself for being cross about something so trivial. In my world they usually involve children. Or paperwork.
I *ought to* (troublesome phrase!) be floating through these days, with rainbows coming out my bum, or something. In 21 days we’ll be on the way to Phuket, and from there to Australia, and then who knows? Bali and New Zealand for sure. Maybe some more of Thailand, perhaps home via the Galapagos Islands and the USA, or maybe Italy- suggestions gratefully received!
I should be… well, you get it. And I’m not. And here’s the thing, I’m okay with not! So where I’m normally cross, and then meta-cross, now I’m cross and then not meta-cross. For the win!
Plus, there’s this. Last week, I wore my swimming costume back to front, at our local pool. It was half-term, and I counted about 80 people in the water. I pretty much expect nobody even looked at me, but I kind of wonder about embarrassment, and whether I ought to have felt some, and also whether I ought to think twice about putting these photos here. But you know, it’s just too funny. I kept thinking “Hello, boobs, what’s going on?” and trying to decide if I’d accidentally tumble-dried the costume, or something.
Good job I’m not in charge of much.
Playing with furniture. Work in progress.
And women’s big hats. Henry told me a story recently about an early cinema, having trouble convincing women to remove their big hats, which blocked the view of people behind them. They solved it by putting up signs saying, “Would young ladies please remove large hats. Elderly ladies may keep theirs on.”
People are so darn clever.
What if we did something similar with cigarettes- made them belong to old ladies? Instead of a leather jacket, advertising could pair them with a twin set and pearls, or a really sexy Zimmer frame.
Wouldn’t it be fun if the long term consequences didn’t matter?
Also, we have big, big plans! We’re taking a gap year. Dave had major heart surgery a few years ago, and I have now lived around Croydon longer than I’ve ever lived on one continent before. And I guess there will be puberty soon, God help us. Henry’s 9, Lauren’s nearing 7, my folks have finally retired, and it sure is time.
“Hey kids, come see what I found in the loft!”
They ignore me in favour of Minecraft- probably just as well…
I blow the dust, which never helps with the slightly sticky black greasiness we get in the loft, though some of the weird little tree seed things that are everywhere flutter away. I wipe at the heavy leather with the sleeve of whatever I am wearing, (whoops, that would have been clean enough for another day’s wear,) and wonder if that old brass lock will still open.
Or, no, maybe it’s not like that, maybe it’s a little Star Wars droid, and it was hiding away in the recesses of the cupboard under the stairs. I press a few buttons, thump it and swear mildly, and a bunch of coloured lights flash on, flick out a random-seeming pattern, and then glow steadily, welcoming me. It says quietly, “beep-bloop,” which obviously means, “Well, it’s about bloody time, woman.”
However it might have happened, (and “whatever” to the stinky kids,) look, you guys, I found my blog!
I don’t blog anymore. You may have noticed. It was fun, for a while, but I am done with it. Love you, bye!
A bit of Christmas fun.
Every kid should have such a darling friend.
We did this silly, fun, beloved thing.
Oooh, another shot from Christmas!
Really has been a while, huh? And in all that time, I still haven’t figured out where my photos go when they come off my phone, and WordPress is still weird…
More soon. Maybe.